a lost soul

this is a record. it’s history. it’s magic.

i managed to last for almost a year without blogging my feelings everytime i’m down or agitated. this should be the worst time of my life considering "HER" absence and the exam stress and some adamant ppl in sch im facing. and i’m proud to announce that i managed to do all this by blogging only thrice.

obviously, if i’m willing to break the record i set for myself this year, i’m very down. i am left with too many questions unanswered and too many problems nagging constantly, irritating me.of course this has got nothing to do with exam stress, though i hope it was. many teenagers my age live a simple and carefree life. how many ppl of my age carry a heavy shoulder hounded with numerous problems? not many, i would say.the only thing worrying thme would be E-X-A-M or S-C-H-O-O-L or for the more sociable types O-P-P-O-S-I-T-E A-T-T-R-A-C-T-I-O-N (which i will never consider as REAL LOVE)

in a way, i’m blessed, huh?im growing up the hard way and im groomed to be able to withstand "heat, corrosion and pressure" right?RIGHT!

i have to admit this, I MISS "HER", badly!it’s diffiicult having to be unable to see "her" no more in sch when im sittin for the "major"est exam in my secondary sch life. i wont want to admit my Achilles’ Heel, but i cant live without "her". nine whole months!nine!the time nine is enough for an embryo implanted in a mother’s uterus to be brought up as a new life to this world.and yet, it just ain’t enough for me to carry on with my life, releashing my past and forgetting you(may it be sweet or bitter).

it’s tough.the memories are like hand-cuffed to my mind.u’re vital.

i was given a hope.a hope that made me ecstatic and i felt that the world was mine and i belong to the world!but how long did my state of euphoria lasted?a minute?an hour?a day?a month?a year?or even a LIFETIME?well, at that ,moment, the happiness WAS permanent.it wasnt only stuck in my heart but it was obviously portrayed through my mouth.yes, my smile(full of braces, of course)

and came home and came technology.and through technology was my communication.communication with her was enough to boost me win a badminton tournament or even score an A in the subject i despise most - sejarah.well, this time it was different. technology crashed my soul into a million pieces. i blamed the snail postal service at that time.BUT, i prayed.i prayed that the invitation will reach 124 in time.

i prayed and prayed and kept on reflecting on my behaviours.i was good.i kept to all my promises and i avoided breaking the five precepts.in fact, i evolved from the devil enfluence inflicted upon me a few years back.i left the "devils"(to most educatee).

but my prayers were just left unanswered….

it wasnt the problem with the snail, but the organisation.i blamed the world.but the blame was at last on to me.

i was the one who hoped and dreamed.it was impossible, i would say for an organisation to bring back a star.sigh.

the communication confirmed it.snail didnt arrive.

the day came :

i kept on believing.i hoped that she could see me trodding on to the stage for the last time.i kept on praying that she would appear, as a surprise guest.i kept on dreaming that her face would suddenly smile into the hall of fame.i put my palms in anjali as i managed the stage.praying.

the outcome?

she did not appear.who to blame?ME.

i was wrong.i was swayed abruptly by the warm feeling called LOVE.the hope did not ask me to pray.the prayers did not ask me to dream.the dreams did not ask me to believe.and the fallacied beliefs did not ask me to trust.it was the mind in me playing tricks on my feelings.

i was cheated by my own mind.what an irony!

one month without "her"………i SURVIVED but do i have enough energy to hold on and to hang on till spm finishes?no one knows…i wish you were here to witness my triumph,share my joy and advice my wrongdoings.i really really miss you, but im denying it.it HURTS a lot.denying and ignoring the pain is actually slowly accumulating the pain in me.i really do wonder how did i manage over the weeks….scholl sucks without you.it hit me while i was filling in some questionaire this afternoon in school?

do you enjoy the classes in school?why?

my ans:NO, because "she" is no longer around

so denying for the past few month wasnt actually helping!why did i even bother to deny?why did i even bother to keep the pain in me?why didnt i just go straight to you and tell you?why do i seem to be too smart in certain things and extremely stupid in things which im suppose to be smart in?does that prove that im actually an idiot?i really hope not.

life sucks.u never get things the way u want it to be.things either turn out right and wrong.but mine, everything just seems to be wrong.she is just like my light.she is the only reason i have to stay put with those admant idiots.she’s my fire, she’s my light.but now, what do i have?i have a dark tunnel with no end.i’m LOST, seriously lost.i partly blame the adamant idiots for what i am feeling.i feel like a loser for actually believing them.

its DOOMSDAY!!!

its DECEMBER!!!!

AHHHH!!!!!!so why do i fear december?isn’t this a jolly month?a month of sharing and giving?where the rich help the poor?no, things are not that easy……she’s going.she’s getting it!!i’m sure of that.why?why?why?can u gv me n early christmas gift by sendin me the news?please…..i can do anything for that gift……i’m desperate!!!

impermanence:the presence of the being i loved so, so, so much in this world.she’s going away.going far far away and i am not even sure whether i can see her anymore ="(

permanence:the feelins i have for the person i love very, very much. nothing can ever, ever, ever stop me from loving her

impermanence vs permanence.who do u think will win?its difficult to decide.its like a married man trying to decide whether should he side his wife or his mum.and i hate this feelings.why are things impermanent in this life and why are things permanent?i really really do not understand.why cant she be permanently stayin here and my feelins will not be that permanent?IT HURTS SO MUCH WHEN THE TWO STRONG FORCES OF LIFE MEETS.

i hate it and i despise it.why cant life be simpler?why must i be tested at such a young age?i’m not ready for it and i don’t know how to face it.IT SUCKS!!

there is always a reason to smth.i know that and i am tryin to push that damn fact intto my head.but i just cant.i love YOU so so so much, my fair lady. i cant even breathe for a moment without YOU.

as u’ve read my previous blogs, i’ve said that i will love YOU for as much as my heart can contain, but was i given an opportunity?why?why do u have to do this?one more year wouldn’t kill. but it will kill me.i am very sure of this.in fact the news of it had already started killin me, u may regard me as stupid, but i just feel like walkin right across a very busy road without further traffic percaution.and i feel like swallowin 50 panadols with the aid of a bottle of hard whisky.but will it help my mission?no it definitely wont.but why?why do YOU have to do this?

do you know that i am very very hurt?i have been cryin for the past 10 hours. and i’m sure that i will be blinded anytime now.but do u even know?

sigh.guess u don’t

but even if YOU do that, i’m still gonna love you forever till earth beholds me.

my fair lady.i did not meet you at "LONDON BRIDGE" nor did i meet you at juliet’s balcony.however, i still love you.whenever you walk by me,

i can feel my heart thumpin loudly.dupp…dupp…dupp…

i can feel my legs going jelly.slushhh…slushhh…slushh….

i can feel my goosebumps formin.eee…eee…eee…

i can feel the whole world turnin,as if tryin to swallow me in.ahhhh!!!

and it is all becoz of a little feelin called…….LOVE………….

i can never delete this feelin nor can i ever prolong it.well, what i can do is just leave it as it is.leave it the way it began, bcuz it will end the way it began.bcuz nothing in this entire univrse shall change my love for you, MY FAIR LADY…it is PERMANENT!

wow….its been lk 2 months since i last updated my blog.guess it was a miracle.cuz jo ann need not read my DISGUSTIN entries.HAHAHA.anyway, the reason why i did not update this ting was bcuz i hv found who i really am.i am who i am.she may not be there for me, but i’ll always be there for her.helpin her as much as i can afford to help, lovin her as much as what my heart can contain for she is "THE ONE".and i hv found my road.ppl,ppl, i am not lost, i hv discovered an alternate destination.a destination which may neither lead me to my bed of roses nor leads me to the rocks by the sea.it leads me to whom i am and where my ‘light of heaven’ flows.and my journey hv not began. bcuz, i am still at the fork.however, a bit slanted to one side.so, i really hope that i hv chosen the right track and will continue this journey in a calm and collected manner, for i am who i am and no one, no one, not a single human soul or even any living thing shall stop me